Written by, Kalpita
30th Mar 2025
As parents, we often hear ourselves telling our children to “calm down” or “stop crying.” Don’t we? While we mean well, these phrases could accidentally teach our children to bottle up their emotions. We don’t realise how this common parenting practise is actually doing more harm than good.
“When we push emotions aside or ignore them, they tend to grow stronger!”
Psychologists have termed such emotional suppression as The Amplification Effect. It’s like holding a beach ball underwater – the harder we push, the more forcefully it tends to pop back up. And most of the times, there comes a huge price that we have all had to pay for suppressing emotions!
Here are The TOP 4 Unexpected Costs of Suppression:
1. Increased aggression:
Long Term studies have consistently shown that bottling up emotions make people more aggressive over time.
For instance, imagine that your toddler has a tantrum in the middle of the street, and you suppress your anger so as not to embarrass yourself. Over time, this perpetual suppressing might become snapping at your child for the smallest things, like spilling milk, because the pent-up feelings have been building up and need to be let out.
2. Distant relationships:
Research suggests that parents who suppress their emotions tend to be less warm and responsive to their young children.
Picture yourself coming home after a stressful day and choosing to hide your feelings from your child instead of explaining why you’re upset. Your child might sense the emotional distance and feel confused or rejected, leading to a less warm and connected relationship.
3. Reduced authenticity:
Constantly hiding your true feelings can lead to a sense of inauthenticity and lower emotional well-being.
Look back on the instances when you wear a smile and feign happiness while playing with your child when you feel overwhelmed. This constant pretending can make you feel disconnected from yourself and prevent your child from learning to regulate feelings in an authentic manner.
4. Physical health risks:
Chronic suppression has been linked to increased cardiovascular reactivity and even higher mortality rates.
Think about the times when you've been holding back anger or sadness in parenting battles, for example, between siblings or during bedtime struggles. This suppression of feelings over time can manifest itself as physical complaints such as headaches or fatigue, which can cause you to lose your presence and focus with your children.
A Look into The Ripple Effect on Children:
Believe it or not, children can be incredibly perceptive. They pick up on the ‘emotional residue’ when they see their parents suppress their emotions. This may further cause:
- Confusion about how to manage their own emotions.
- Inability to develop healthy emotional regulation skills.
- Sensitivity to parental moods, especially with mothers.
How to Break this Self-Destructive Cycle?
Instead of unintentionally (or even intentionally) encouraging suppression, experts recommend:
Modelling healthy expression:
Let your children see you process emotions in a constructive way. Let's say you've had a terrible day at work, and instead of internalising it, you explain to your child, “I'm feeling extremely tired and slightly frustrated because my day wasn't great. I'm going to take some deep breaths to relax.” That way, you're showing your child that it's okay to acknowledge feelings and handle them in a positive way, and you're teaching them through example.
Creating a nurturing environment:
Build an environment where all feelings are welcomed and accepted. Picture your child coming running to you having accidentally broken a toy. Instead of getting angry or pretending the incident never happened, you say to your child, “It is OK to be upset about this. Let's figure out how we are going to make it right or what we do next.” You establish a safe and secure space in which the child feels heard and understands that their feelings are all right, even if circumstances aren't.
Discussion of feelings:
Make it routine to talk with your children about their emotions. This can also help them develop emotional vocabulary. Take the time at bedtime when you ask your child, “What was the best part of your day? Was there something that made you sad or angry?” By making these conversations a habit, your child becomes more comfortable sharing their feelings and develops a lexicon for expressing how they feel, thus strengthening their emotional intelligence over time.
It’s all starts with Embracing the Power of Authenticity:
The important thing to remember is that the goal is not to eliminate feelings but to mindfully cope with all emotions. Allowing ourselves and our children to experience a wide range of emotions opens ways for growing up, resiliency, and connecting even more deeply.
Allow your children to see you ride your emotionally roller coaster such that they will watch and learn to regulate their own emotions and get to solving their problems. They will feel reassured to know that you’ve got problems too and most problems (if not all) can be solved. Let's not make it about picture perfect beings, but about honest, healthy emotional expression. By taking on this mindset, we will be able to be better parents who can in turn raise children who are emotionally intelligent and better prepared to take on life's challenges.
