Written by, Kalpita
4th Mar 2025
As a parent, I often tend to find myself easily caught up in the trap of perfectionism. The desire to be perfect has consistently come in my way of becoming a “good parent”. This pursuit only added on to my stress and anxieties, and affected my child in more ways than I could keep track of. Over the years however I have learnt to remind myself that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. Instead, I embraced all my unique imperfections and chose to become an ‘Improvanist parent’. Through this blog, let's explore why adopting such a mindset to parenting is the key to a happier and healthier family dynamic.
The Problem with Perfectionism
I, like many of you, grew up in an achievement-driven environment – where perfect attendance and top-notch grades were considered the gold standard of being. With this culture, starts a vicious circle of unrealistic expectations and for most of us, guaranteed disappointment. The ugly truth that perfectionists have consistently highlighted is that they are rarely happy and often stressed out because of this very mindset they take onto themselves. Yet, society tends to glamourise this ‘quality’, thereby overlooking its problematic nature. I learnt that my desperation to be a perfect parent was precisely what stopped me from being “a happy parent”. And how can I then raise a happy child?
The Value in Being “Good Enough"
In no way did I lower my standards or undervalue my parenting skills. I got real and set SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time-bound Goals. More importantly, I came to accept that my parenting lows were the most defining moments of my parenting journey. By embracing my unique imperfections, I saw myself appreciating small wins - in myself as well as in my child. This way, I saw my child absorb the value of learning from mistakes and being resilient when facing every new challenge, every new mistake!
The “Yes, and” in Improv Parenting
I recently discovered how some improvisation techniques can be surprisingly effective in parenting. The “Yes, AND” technique changed the way in which I connected with my child. For example: When she said, "I want a _______, now!", instead of an instant "No," I once tried, "Yes, sure. AND you will have it sooner than you think! Let’s talk about which one and when.” This acknowledged her desire yet set boundaries and opened-up an engaging conversation. Soon, we found ourselves making it more about the planning than wanting!
Advantages of Becoming an Improvanist Parent:
More Connection:
I realised how “NO” (just by itself) can be a trigger for a child eagerly testing boundaries and excitedly seeking independence. Instead, saying "YES" more often, where appropriate, and building on that with an “AND”, helped enhance my communication and strengthen my relationship with my child.
Less Stress:
Taking on an “Improvanist Mindset” taught me to pause a moment and reflect before responding. I consciously try to be less reactive, and more proactive. It can be demanding at first but more rewarding and less stressful eventually.
More Flexibility:
Children do not come with manuals and absolutely resist following a ‘pre-determined course of action.’ I learnt that my child needed her feelings to be responded to, more than her demands per se. She is much more willing to reason and compromise when I respond spontaneously to her ‘real’ need in the moment, as opposed to the times where she is simply expected to follow instructions “because I said so!”.
Starter Pro-tips when Becoming an Improvanist Parent:
Go crazy:
Get silly with your children. It can instantly defuse tense moments and make the most boring activities, a little more exciting.
Turn “Must-dos” into Games:
Turn on the timer, make it a race and let the challenge begin - For example: Clean up is more fun that way!
Offer Choices:
Instead of a definitive "NO," provide options that give your child a feeling of a little sense of control (if not all). I call them “Win-win” choices, where every choice gets everybody what they want.
Practice Active Listening:
Most times, what children really need is to feel heard. Do trial runs with various improv tools to simply acknowledge their feelings before actually getting to problem-solving.
Moral of this Story:
Always remind yourself that perfection is NOT the objective here; rather, the SMART goal is to be present, responsive, and flexible. Taking on an improvanist mindset can create a more positive and less stressful environment for ourselves and our family. So, the next time you find yourself trying to be a perfect parent, take a deep breath, say, "Yes, and.," and just go with the flow.
